Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize