fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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