If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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