hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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