I hate your face
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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