hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
