Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
