If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
