My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
