Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize