Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
this beer tastes like vomit already
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
