if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
