Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
thus making me awesome and them whores
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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