Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
