i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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