So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
