party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
