All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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