did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
