So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
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