So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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