So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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