he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
