sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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