I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
