I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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