I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
