I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Randomize
