toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Randomize
