Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
