dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
