please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
