Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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