i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
3 2 1 whiskey
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
