I hope my margaritas pass through security.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
