I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
