OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
