When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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