I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
