I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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