I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
