Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
