The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize