he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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