I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
