rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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