Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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