somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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