Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just threw up on my dentist
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
