Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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