dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
