How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
