I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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