new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
