and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
