There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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