Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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