I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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