i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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