My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
